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Abusive Relationships - 3 Deadly Mistakes in Assuming Responsibility for the Battering Behavior

signs of an abusive relationship by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
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We hear it all the time: "You're not responsible for your abuser's battering behavior." Yet, victims of domestic abuse spend an inordinate amount of time trying to alter this behavior. Fix it. Change it. Account for it.

Often, and usually unknowingly, this invites three deadly mistakes victims of domestic abuse make in their abusive relationships.

3 deadly mistakes of shouldering the responsibility for battering behavior

1) From others: You inadvertently tell bystanders that you own all or part of the battering. You asked for it. You enjoy it...you deserve it. This is where the myth that "she deserves it" comes from.

2) From your partner: When you join the dance and try to change your partner, you assume the responsibility to fix it. And if you're doing this, it must be your fault. This supports your abuser's belief that it is partly, or completely, your fault, which lends permission to continue to give you what you deserve . . . more battering.

3) From yourself: Your efforts to change your partner prevent you from changing yourself, because no one is then available to tend to your own business. When you are in someone else's business being responsible for their behavior, how can you be in our own business? You can't.

Byron Katie says this so clearly. When you're not in your own business, you're disconnected from yourself. It is as though no one is home minding your affairs. And your connection to your authentic self is severed. This is the greatest death domestic abuse survivors endure.

If you are a victim of domestic abuse and you find yourself giving excuses for your batterer's behavior, halt and remember these three deadly mistakes. Recognize how your efforts to change your abusive partner result in the continuation of your abusive relationship and your loss of your authentic self.

For a deeper understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships see Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identify Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. www.PreventAbusiveRelationships.com

©2009 Jeanne King, Ph.D. – Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention

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Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
Abuse and Recovery
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.'s web site

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Books by this Author

Abused Men: How to Break the Cycle and Heal
Abused Men: How to Break the Cycle and Heal
Abused Men: How to Break the Cycle and Heal eBook offers help for battered men on how to recognize, end and heal from intimate partner abuse.

Abusers Can Change: End Spousal Abuse & Save Your Marriage
Abusers Can Change: End Spousal Abuse & Save Your Marriage
Yes, Abusers Can Change: End Spousal Abuse and Save Your Marriage eBook helps you and your partner identify, engage in and benefit from effective domestic violence treatment.

Contolling Intimate Relationships: Emotional, Sexual and Financial Control
Contolling Intimate Relationships: Emotional, Sexual and Financial Control
Controlling Intimate Relationships: Emotional, Sexual and Financial Control exposes the subjects all too often ignored and avoided in understating intimate partner abuse, including psychological, financial and sexual control. This new eBook release sheds light on the dynamics of controlling relationships: how to identify a controlling intimate relationship and break the cycle of abusive control.

Crazy Making Legal-Psychiatric Abuse: Signs and Prevention
Crazy Making Legal-Psychiatric Abuse: Signs and Prevention
Crazy-making legal psychiatric ploys torment domestic abuse survivors at home and in divorce court. Learn to identify and stop the devastating impact of crazy making legal-psychiatric abuse before it defines you and your children.

Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Breaking the Cycle
Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Breaking the Cycle
What is the psychology of ending domestic abuse? This ebook focuses on the personal and interpersonal issues that keep domestic abuse going and what breaks the cycle of abuse. It gives you the inner wisdom to accomplish your mission to end domestic abuse.

Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identifying Abuse
Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Identifying Abuse
End your confusion about domestic abuse. In this ebook, you will see the social and psychological dynamics of domestic abuse….and learn how to identify abusive relationships and understand the dynamics that bind abusive relationships.

Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Vols I & II Identifying Abuse and Breaking the Cycle
Domestic Abuse Dynamics: Vols I & II Identifying Abuse and Breaking the Cycle
Understanding the dynamics of domestic abuse is the first step to recognizing the syndrome and breaking the cycle. This two volume set could change and save your life.

Domestic Abuse Healing from Within
Domestic Abuse Healing from Within
If you want your healing from domestic abuse to permeate every fiber of your being, this eBook is for you! It will show you the mechanics of your body’s natural self-repair, strategies for mending the mind and heart, and practical tips for reclaiming your life after an abusive relationship.

Domestic Abuse Healing: Vols I & II Psychological and Within
Domestic Abuse Healing: Vols I & II Psychological and Within
If you've been in an abusive relationship, you will want to know how to most effectively heal from an abusive relationship. This two volume set will mend the past and open new doors for your safety, health and well-being.

Domestic Abuse Needs Assessment
Domestic Abuse Needs Assessment
When it comes to domestic abuse, it's hard to know what we need, where to turn, and what awaits on the other side of verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse. Feel free to take this free needs assessment quiz to help you look deeper within and identify what's most pressing for you now.

Emotional Verbal Abuse: How to Recognize, Cope and Heal
Emotional Verbal Abuse: How to Recognize, Cope and Heal
Emotional verbal abuse is the most pervasive and common form of domestic abuse. Learn the signs of emotional abuse and how to stop verbal abuse before it spirals out of control. Emotional Verbal Abuse: How to Recognize, Cope and Heal helps you identify, stop and recover from emotional verbal abuse.

Family Violence and Legal Domestic Abuse
Family Violence and Legal Domestic Abuse
Far too often when you leave an abusive relationship, you go from the frying pan to the fire and don’t understand what’s going on until the damage is done. Learn to navigate the system before it’s too late.

Intimate Partner Abuse Screen
Intimate Partner Abuse Screen
The Intimate Partner Abuse Screen will help you identify Intimate Partner Violence instantly, accurately and anonymously.

Legal Domestic Abuse: How to Successfully Navigate the System
Legal Domestic Abuse: How to Successfully Navigate the System
Far to often when you think it should be coming to an end, your real war remains ahead: legal domestic abuse. This eBook will shed light on what you will want to know to successfully navigate the system in your route to safety for you and your children.

Prevent Abusive Relationships Membership
Prevent Abusive Relationships Membership
Prevent Abusive Relationships Membership offers resources helping women and men to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships, strategies for breaking the cycle of domestic violence, and the mechanics of ending and healing intimate partner abuse.

Psychological Healing for Domestic Abuse
Psychological Healing for Domestic Abuse
Weathering an abusive relationship can be psychologically debilitating. Healing the inner wounds, lingering scares and habits of victimization and conditioning in an abusive relationship is the theme of this healing gem.

Stop Domestic Abuse: Helping Others Break the Cycle
Stop Domestic Abuse: Helping Others Break the Cycle
How do I help her/him see the light? How do I help someone I care about awaken to the danger they live and deal with their circumstances in a way that serves their highest interest? This ebook will show you how.

z_All But My Soul: Abuse Beyond Control
z_All But My Soul: Abuse Beyond Control
This book has saved 1000's of battered women their children, their home, job, savings, and their sanity while navigating the system with family abuse.