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Finding the Right Woman to Marry

Finding the Right Woman to Marry by
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Here’s one question you can start by answering: Do you want someone to fan the flames, or do you want someone to keep the home fires burning? Are you interested in a hot romance between just the two of you, or are you looking for family life?

If you’re dating with marriage in mind, figure out what your ideal marriage would look like. Then find the woman who wants the same thing.

All couples fight and have problems. Studies show that the happiest couples have these traits:

1. They can sense when the other one is sad.
2. They say more positive things about the marriage.
3. When they have a conflict, they can soothe each other rather than agitating.
4. They have lower expectations about marriage than unhappy couples.
5. They didn’t choose ‘the best catch,’ they chose the person most like themselves.

Basic compatibility as to interests, backgrounds, education, values, and character can smooth out huge areas of the relationship. They can be investigated ahead of time.

THE SELECTION PROCESS

If what you’re after is a running-buddy, romantic playmate/roommate sort of relationship then your choice will largely be based on chemistry, physical appearance, age, and shared recreational interests.

If your focus is on an enduring emotional relationship and family, then you’ll have to look beneath the surface. The traditional woman may be the one for you. Harder to find these days, she’s out there, and she’s looking just as hard for you.

THE TRADITIONAL WOMAN

One of the questions you can ask a potential date on www.eharmony.com is, “How important is it to you that your partner fulfill traditional gender roles? Would you like a woman who will cook, shop and keep house? Would you like a man who maintains the cars, manages the finances, and is handy around the house?”

There’s more to it than that. What they’re describing there are jobs you could pay someone else to do and still maintain your marriage. They have nothing to do with the fiber of the marriage relationship whatsoever!!

We’re talking about “traditional” in the sense of where the woman’s passion and commitment are. Where does she get her sense of purpose and meaning? What gives her deep satisfaction? Likely for you, this is your work. Likely for a woman it’s either her work or the home, but her heart is in either one place or the other. You can’t serve two masters.

If you want a woman who will put nurturing and caring for you, the children, and the communal “nest” first, this will mean she can’t have a demanding career, or maybe won’t work outside the home at all and that she’ll be happy about this. “Life balance” is popular now because our lives are all skewed, and they’re skewed toward what matters most to us.

Some dating articles tell you to find a woman who’s willing to “subordinate her desires to yours.” For instance: “The main quality that distinguishes [the traditional woman] from the modern, emancipated woman is the fact the she places the interests of her family, her husband, and her children as the first priority in her life. She is selfless, and she is ready to sacrifice her career to dedicate her life to her family…”

This completely begs the point. To someone who values keeping the homefires burning, there is no “sacrifice”. It’s her top priority. It isn’t balanced against the pros and cons of a career. This type of woman gets the same sense of fulfillment and success being a homemaker, as the career woman gets in being the CEO.

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IF YOU WANT A TRADITIONAL WOMAN?

1. She rarely mentions her work. When she does, she seems disinterested.
2. She says things like, “My job has absolutely no meaning,” or “It’s just a paycheck, that’s all.”
3. Her career reflects this lack of interest; just a series of jobs.
4. She may have excellent education, cultural interests and skills, but she’s not interested in applying these things at WORK, she’s interested in applying them at HOME.
5. She takes an active interest in her home with extra touches – a flare for decorating, cooking and entertaining.

“Traditional” does NOT refer to roles. It refers to relationship, passion, mission, purpose and values. If you’re looking for a woman to fulfill traditional ROLES, i.e., jobs, hire a maid, chauffeur, nanny and cook and skip the pretences of a relationship.

USE YOUR COMMON SENSE

No matter how "hot" the woman is, if she doesn't have what you're looking for in marriage, date her but don't marry her.

KIDS

If you’ve had children by a previous marriage and don’t want any more, be very careful. A traditional woman who says she doesn’t want any kids is under the spell of infatuation, intuitively telling you what you want to hear. Sooner or later it will come up. She will want babies, and there’s no way to compromise.

CHARACTER

To a traditional woman, character and inner qualities are more important than outward appearance and material things.

Sex is never recreational. It’s a manifestation of closeness – emotionally, mentally, soulfully, and physically. It implies commitment, and has meaning.

And character she will have. She will stick by you through thick and thin, because to her, love and marriage are commitments. However, she will also leave you, no matter how much money you make, if you abuse her emotionally or physically, or are unfaithful.

  • Kimberly divorced her millionaire husband because he was abusive and had an affair. She walked away from the yacht, the villa in Italy, the vacations in Paris, and the live-in maid and never looked back.
  • Annette’s marriage fell apart when her husband went bankrupt and then got cancer. It seemed so unlike her to leave him, I asked her about it. “Leave him?” she said, bursting into tears. “How could I leave him when he needed me most? I did everything I could. He just gave up. He’d sleep for days. He wouldn’t make love to me. I kept telling him things would get better and we’d make it through together. I guess he was ashamed, so he divorced me. I would never have left him under those circumstances.”

    For this reason she also looks for character in you, and character is gained through adversity. She tends to be suspicious of easy success, or excessive good looks, and bored by talk of materialistic things.

    COMPATIBLITY

    Some differences in tastes, temperament, interests, and viewpoint can vitalize a marriage. Too many, or too big, and it’s a disaster. Only King Arthur and Guinevere can make it work when her hobbies are needlework and classical music, and his are fishing and hunting.

  • Andy is into boating. His powerboat is his life. He was dating a woman who was all gung-ho about getting on his boat, but it was clear to the rest of us that once she got him to tie the knot, she would never set foot on that boat again.

    How did we know? Friends know. Ask your friends!

    While dating, the woman may be so happy to be with you, she’ll do anything you’re doing. I know because when my couch potato, night-owl, animal-activist, book-worm friend Amanda was dating Roy, she went happily out with him at the crack of dawn to sit in a deer blind in the freezing rain and shoot animals.

    The woman may deceive you because she’s also deceiving herself. Pay attention so you don’t marry someone who’s totally wrong for you.

    COMPATIBILITY

    Make sure you get a good look at each other’s lifestyles. You can assume she’s basically living the way she wants to except for the part about the job, financial constraints, and certain things she considers more fun to do with a partner. Ask. “If you won the lottery, what wo

    Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc , mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc. Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional success. Coach Certification Program - fast, affordable, no-residency, training coaches worldwide. Email for free ezine.

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    Susan Dunn
    Women's Issues
    sdunn@susandunn.cc
    Susan Dunn's web site

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