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Lasting Love: 8 Keys to a Lasting Love

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My granddaughter, Merritt Miles, at five years old, was the inspiration for, 8 Keys to Lasting Love. While reading her a fairy tale I was very disturbed by what I was about to say to her when I read; "And they lived happily ever after." So, I took the liberty of changing the ending to, "They began the work of creating a very good marriage." I didn't want Merritt thinking, as so many of my clients had, that marriage was so simple, that it just magically happened and couples lived happily every after. As a marriage and family therapist for thirty years, I have seen the pain people experience after the honeymoon is over, when they awaken realizing they have married a mere mortal. I hope my granddaughter, as she enters adulthood, will avoid the pitfalls and pain of those who succumb to this "happily ever after" myth.

  1. Stop blaming. Start living. It is our responsibility, and not our partner's, to feel better and to heal. Our partner will be responsible to us, but not for us. So it's useful, instead of blaming our partner, to ask ourselves these two questions, "Why did I draw this person into my life?" and "What is it that I need to learn from this?" Within a good marriage, we grow up.

  2. Avoid the fixer-upper syndrome. We think we can fix our partner and shape them into perfection. Our version of perfection. So many people marry for potential. Never marry potential. Marry for safety, the safety between two people who accept one another faults and all.

  3. Make a promise to keep our integrity. Do not hold onto victim hood like a prize. This doesn't allow us to grow. Work on behaviors that make our partner want to change by being kind and loving. Vent our feelings, without being out of control. If we are in a relationship that does not have mutual respect, over time we may need professional help. Preferably, we would seek that help with our partner.

  4. Eliminate attack thoughts. These types of thoughts are incredibly destructive over time. If we attack other people, ourselves and our thoughts, it really interferes with our happiness and peace of mind. Learn to find the joy, even in difficult times. As Mother Theresa once said, "Our best protection is a joyful heart."

  5. Do not hold onto anger. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. Turn attack thoughts into constructive thoughts and actions. Think thoughts that are appreciative of ourselves and our partner. And express those thoughts often. When we build an emotional bank account full of positive thoughts, we have positive emotional currency to counter with when angry times come.

  6. Wake up, without makeup. On soap operas I've seen women wake up first thing in the morning with all their makeup on, false eyelashes and all. That is not the real world. What we need to do for a successful marriage is to learn to be more and more real. What we need to do for a successful marriage is learn to feel more and more safe to be who we truly are.

  7. Wake up and make up. It is essential that couples learn to repair and heal after every fight. Find solutions. Do not get stuck rehashing the past. Live in the present, and find ways to keep the marriage buoyant and alive. Happy couples learn how to repair differences.

  8. Change yourself first to change your relationships. Better to reinvent ourselves, because we are not going to be able to change our partner. Learn to love in a mature way without trying to control or manipulate. C.S. Lewis once said, "To love without control or manipulation is to be surprised by joy." We will truly be surprised by joy when we can live in the moment with our partner. And within ourselves.

Copyright 2005 Linda Miles Ph.D

Author, Dr. Linda Miles, is deeply committed to helping individuals and couples achieve rewarding relationships. She is an expert with a Doctorate in Counseling Psychology, and has worked in the mental health field for over thirty years. She has been interviewed extensively on radio, TV, and in newspapers and magazines. Find more relationship ideas and relaxation techniques on her web site and in the award-winning book she co-authored, The New Marriage: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth, and numerous CD's, that Train Your Brain. Dr. Linda Miles

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Dr. Linda Miles
Personal Relationships
drlinda@drlindamiles.com
Dr. Linda Miles's web site

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Books by this Author

All Aboard the Brain Train
All Aboard the Brain Train
Teach Your Child to Travel a Purpose-Filled Path Think of your child’s brain as a series of train tracks with thousands of stations. The Brain can be trained to travel to magnificent destinations. "All Aboard the Brain Train" will help you train your child’s brain to lay tracks in the most positive directions.

Friendship on Fire: 52 Weeks to Passionate and Intimate Connections for Life
Friendship on Fire: 52 Weeks to Passionate and Intimate Connections for Life
Do you feel like the sparkle in your relationship is dying? If you want to start – or keep – the glow of love in your relationships, then begin building a solid Friendship on Fire.

The New Marriage: Transcending The Happily Ever After Myth
The New Marriage: Transcending The Happily Ever After Myth
Make your marriage succeed, even though seven out of ten couples who marry today will eventually divorce. Learn how to identify and overcome the emotional problems that arise from marital troubles, and gain the knowledge to achieve a long-lasting union. Strengthen yourself and your partner instead of helplessly watching your marriage dissolve.

Train Your Brain: 8 Keys to Successful Relationships (CD)
Train Your Brain: 8 Keys to Successful Relationships (CD)
This CD is taken from Dr. Miles’ successful radio appearances around the country. Through humor and real life examples from her practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist, Dr. Miles focuses on how to stop blaming and start living.

Train Your Brain: For a Peaceful Pregnancy (CD)
Train Your Brain: For a Peaceful Pregnancy (CD)
Stress for the mother equates to stress for the baby! Parent's reactions to stress, train the child's brain. Parent's relaxation can train them better.

Train Your Brain: For Successful Relationships
Train Your Brain: For Successful Relationships
Love is a Practice. You CAN change your brain patterns and chemistry. A respected Neuroscientist, Dr. Wayne Drevets explains, "In the brain, practice makes permanent." With regular use, this CD is designed to create more inner peace.. Using techniques that have been researched at major universities, Dr. Linda Miles, psychotherapist and author for thirty years, leads you through mental exercises for mind and body control that research has shown to effectively lower blood pressure, improve sleep, improve the immune system and reduce stress reactions.

Train Your Brain: To Be Heart Smart
Train Your Brain: To Be Heart Smart
Deep Relaxation Techniques. Specifically designed for people at risk for heart problems (high blood pressure, family history, elevated cholesterol, type A personality) or those with cardiovascular symptoms or problems or those recovering from heart surgery.