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What Not to Say to a Guy You're Dating if You Want Marriage

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If you're serious about getting married, you have to play your cards differently. If you want him, and he's attracted to you, when you date, maintain a pleasant air of mystery and unavailability, avoid disclosing all your deep, dark secrets (despite what your therapist tells you!), demand respect (shaping his behavior nonverbally, i.e,. don't explain why you don't accept last-minute dates, just don't accept them!), and let him wonder and work at it.

To be a man is to know what you want, and know how to get it, so don't get in the way of this process. If you do, it won't necessarily drive him away, at least not until he's had sex with you, or until he's found the woman he really wants, but it can ruin the possiblity of marriage.

Here are some examples of things to avoid saying during the early months. And P.S., save the blow-by-blows for your girl-friends. Testosterone, as you know (smart girl that you are), makes people quiet.

1. I’m not interested in dating for fun. I want to get married.

Avoid using any terms re: the future, such as marriage, babies, commitment, or even next Christmas. It's up to him to be thinking about the future, if there's going to be one.

2. My therapist says …

You have no business becoming vulnerable to someone you hardly know. He has no frame of reference for a statement such as “I can get very emotional.” You may mean you cry at movies. He may think you’re a bunny-boiler (“Fatal Attraction"). Furthermore, he likes to figure things out on his own, so just give some nice, mysterious hints about your life, and keep it light. You can disclose the thing about losing 40 lbs. last year later on when he’s already in love with you.

3. What you need to do is ….

Never tell a man what to do. It doesn’t work. Be especially wary of this when he approaches something in your professional area. I remember a second date with an adorable man who started telling me over lobster and champagne that he couldn't get his practice going. I forgot I was a girl, put on my "marketing professional" hat and laid out a full-fledged marketing plan for him ... shortly before he said "let's just skip dessert," dropped me off at my home and never called again.

4. I’d love to see you Friday. Or Saturday. Or Sunday. Atually any time. I’m all yours.

Talk about letting the air out of the balloon. Men like the thrill of the chase. Do this and the fun's over for him. That sort of on-call availability comes with marriage and if it comes before marriage, why marry? Guy's are practical. That's how they think.

5. I thought you'd never ask. Of course, I love sex. The more the better.

Despite what you read, despite the fact that most of us have sex way too soon, if you do, it will come back to haunt you. It's the surest way to ruin a good thing. Ironic, isn't it? First of all, you’ll be in over your head, and he won’t be. Secondly, he’ll assume you hop into bed with everyone. (I know. It’s not fair, but that’s the way it is.)

6. You need to know that my ex did such and such and so when you do the same thing, blah blah.

You don't need anything (that's not appealing), particularly not to talk about your ex. And don't let him either. If he does, just yawn, change the topic, or get up and leave for the ladies’ room. Don’t reward the behavior and it will extinguish itself quickly. Get in the present and stay there.

7. You’re too tired to drive over here? Oh, no problem, I’ll come on over there. 8:30?

You know what you’d say to your girl-friend if she was acting like the pizza delivery man. Guess what? It applies to YOU, too.

8. Hope you don't mind me calling. I just had to hear your voice.

From experience, and from listening to clients, all I can say is, there's a big deal with guys about phone calls, and the bottom line is -- don't call him, let him call you. And don't be in any hurry to return his phone calls.

9. I know I haven’t met your friends or family yet, but I’d love for you to meet mine. How about coming to my sister’s birthday party Saturday night? They’ll all be there and I’m dying for them to meet you.

Not until he’s introduced you to his friends and family.

10. Of course I don’t mind doing this two nights in a row I love cooking. Hope you like homemade corn soufflé with your Boeuf Wellington. I hope my apple pie measures up to your mother’s.

You know what they say – get him a beer one time and it’s your job for the rest of your life. What comes easy isn’t appreciated. Don’t start out with the trumpets and bass drums; let it build to a crescendo. You might as well hang out a sign that says: “ Mother here. Relax and take advantage.” End of romance, end of game, beginning of servitude before dumping.

11. Do I look fat in these jeans?

12. We need to have a talk.

Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc , mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc. Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional success. Coach Certification Program - fast, affordable, no-residency, training coaches worldwide. Email for free ezine.

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Susan Dunn
Women's Issues
sdunn@susandunn.cc
Susan Dunn's web site

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